Shinigami Live
by Shatterheart XIV
Summary: Welcome to Shinigami Live The Seiretei's no. 1 Hilarity enducing, OMG momenting live variety show. Starring our fav tatooed Soul Reaper . . . Renji! If you enjoy humor, read and Review! CHAPTER 10 IS FINALLY UP!
1. Prolouge

**Finally out of writer's slump I came up with a new story! This time it stars everyone's favorite** **tattooed** **soul reaper . . . RENJI!**

**Disclaimer:I do not own Bleach, things would go so differently if I did though :(**

Well, We see The 6th division lieutenant, Renji Abarai Watching what seemed to be TV. The TVs were specially ordered from the material world and placed in each division's office. Our favorite tattooed soul reaper was watching what seemed to be a baby show.

Renji: Damn! This crap is so boring.

Out of nowhere Byakuya walks in surprisingly listening to an iPod.

Byakuya: why are you watching Teletubbies Renji?

Renji: Taichou what are these teletubbies?

Byakuya: Well forget it, you think you could do better?

Renji: well duh

Byakuya well fine there you go

he hands him an access card

Byakuya that your pass to the stage you go live tomorrow.

Renji: Taichou, I promise you wont regret this

Byakuya: too late What are you going to call it?

Renji:hmmm.. . . Shinigami live!

Byakuya: well that was quick we didn't even have to play the jeopardy thinking music like last time.

Renji: Taichou what is that?

Byakuya: An iPod.

Renji: what's that?

Byakua I don't know but whoever . . . Hannah Montana is she is a really good singer.

**I know it sucks for a first chapter but it'll get better**


	2. Interview Ichigo

After our only 200 word chapter, Renji's show was set to premier . . . er today. Yes I know what your thinking Hannah Montana is out to take over the world and we should hide huh?

"Okay. Live in three, two. . ." The Director dude shouted very drunken until he was interrupted by himself throwing up.

"Who let the director near Rangiku's Sake!?" The producer ,shocked, asked. Masumoto was walking to the stage in black knee-high dress ,obviously with a bottle of sake in her hand. The mere mention of her name made stick the bottle of sake in her. . . well I'll leave that up to your imaginations.

"Okay people let's take it from the top." The director said in a sort of gay tone of voice. "Renji are you ready."

Renji was sitting in front of a big lighted mirror having powder applied to his face. "Uh, yeah sure Whatever"

"Okay whever, 5,4,3,2. . ."

"Hello and welcome to Shinigami Live, the new show given to me Renji Abarai to entertain so you all better laugh or . . . THE SEWING NERD GETS IT." Renji welcomed then threatened holding Zabimaru to Ishida's neck.

"Do it He's crazy!" Ishida flailed his arms trying to break free.

"Anyway today I interview Ichigo Kurosaki, so anyone with a weak stomach should leave. Goodbye!" Renji tries to leave.

"You might want to do the interview first" Ururu scolded doing the shame fingers.

"Fine"

"Ohio" Ichigo starts running around with his arms out, pretending to be a super hero.

"Sit down you ass!" Renji yelled. Ichigo sits on the floor.

"In the chair."

Ichigo sits on Renji.

"The interviewee chair" Renji pointed to the chair.

Ichigo starts moon walking. "Chamon!"

"This is going to be long and painful." Renji sighed.

Ichigo pulls a latex glove out of his pocket and smacks Renji with it.

"I challenge you to a duel minigame."

"Okay" Renji retorted. Renji then blasts Ichigo with Ururu's cannon.

"You didn't kill him did you?" Ururu questioned in a shy tone of voice.

"No I hit him in the head" Replied Renji.

"Mmm. Ramen." Ichigo said rubbing his stomach.

"How did your battles against the soul society begin?" Renji asked.

"Do you know what that cloud looks like? Rain." Ichigo rambled on until Renji took out a pickle jar and hit him over the head.

"That better. To answer your question It was Byakuya who started it. He tried to kill me when I was trying to save Rukia. Something about preventing disruption of the Material World and the Seretei. I don't know I wasn't really listening." Ichigosaid with logic.

"Hmm. It seems a blow to the head gives Ichigoa small jolt of intellect.

"Pillows are made of Hamburger meat"

"That didn't last long" Renji commented.

"Are you brave enough to laugh at the face of Death?" Ichigo blurted out randomly.

"YEAH!!HAHAHAHA!" Renji retorted.

Out of nowhere Death comes along. "That was so uncalled for"

"How did you get in the Seretei?" After that random moment Renji asked.

"That stupid Cat Yoruichi made me Chad, Uryu, and Orihime go through some gay looking portal that nearly killed us all."Ichigo explained. Yoruichi who was in the audience hissed at him.

"Why do you wear that chain?" Renji asked. Renji smashes the pickle jar over his head but it breaks. "Oh crap"

"My chain allows my amazing Soul Reaper abilities. If Ididn't have them,I wouldn't be able to turn into a Soul Reaper freely." Ichigo turns back to his stupid state. "I want some elbow ramen!"He bites Renji. "Mmm. Elbow."

"AHH! GET HIM OFF ME!" Renji ran around flailing his arms, trying to dislodge Mario. "Do something Rangiku."

"Okay" Rangiku replied. Rangiku freezes Ichigo.

"I didn't know you could do that"

"There are a lot of things you don't know"

"Like what"

"I'm a Torp. . ."

"A guy named guieno" Hitsugaya interrupted.

"Random. Now what am I going to do until he thaws?"

"I know we could have Ukitake-Taichou read a poem." Rangiku suggested.

"Oh right. Ladies an gentlemen get ready for a long poem so put your hands together for the walking candy store . . .Captain Joshirou Ukitake." Ukitake walks on stage giving Hitsugaya a stocking full of candy.

"Okay here is my poem . . . Roses are purple candy is god too, Zebra's are really out to take over the world and your momma's a dude. I hate you happy Labor day."

"WTF?!"

Ichigo unfroze.

"That was disturbing audience questions seat 2."

Isane asked "Do you like Rukia?"

"Ew no, we are just friends."

"Next seat over 9000!"

Izuru asked "Do you still use Zangetsu?"

"Nope"

"Why?"

"I got hungry and it?" That earned a lot of weird looks.

"Seat 1"

"I am the great Aizen!"

"Moron. seat 6."

A mysterious person asked "How do you feel about Isshin Kurosaki?"

"Who?"

"My point exactly" Renji replied.

??reveals himself to be Ichigo Dad.

"Who?" said the audience.

"AARGH" Ichigo's dad stomps out of the studio.

"Out of seriousnessI don't want dad around but I sometimes appreciate him.

(AWWW)

"Shut up"

"Seat 666"

Hanatarou asked "what is your weakness."

"Getting hit in the stomach." Everyone especially the Espadas take out note books and start writing in them.

Well that's for the **ONLY** interview chapter tune in next time for Friday night drink- a- thon.


	3. Skits of Randomness

**Shinigami Live is back by popular demand. Thanks to anyone that reviewed.**

**On with the story**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach but it makes a tasty drink!**

_BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH _

"Live in 3,2,1!"

Renji walked out on stage stumbling over random objects until falling over the chair. "Hiyaz! And welcome to Shinigami Live where . . ." Renji threw up on stage.

"Cut to Commercial!" The Director yelled as scene quickly faded.

_Sasukeisgay-Sasukeisgay-Sasukeisgay-Sasukeisgay-Sasukeisgay_

_Shyuuhei Hisagi comes on screen._

_Hisagi: Ever wanted to save money on your car insurance just call geico 15 minutes can save you 15 or more on car insurance. so easy Izuru Kira can do it. The dumbass._

_Izuru: Hey what internet_

_Hisagi: I stand corrected . . ._

_Aizensucks-Aizensucks-Aizensucks-Aizensucks-Aizensucks- Aizensucks_

"And we are back" Renji announced lying on the floor with six others.

"Yeah what ramen is it?" a drunk Masumoto said.

"Strife sauce." Rukia explained clamping onto a chair hurling.

"EW!" the audience disdained. Suddenly out of nowhere a little girl runs out on stage wear a soul reaper uniform eating candy. She had pink hair and was quite small.

She announces. "Hi! I'm Yachiru Kusajishi! And since marker-face man is currently unable to carry on with the show . . . " Points at Renji who was currently sleeping snoring loudly. "We the Shinigami Women's Society minus Drunk big boobies-chan will host!" Cheerfully euphoric she continued eating some more candy.

The member of the Shinigami Women's Society stepped on stage. "Incase you don't know who they are. They will be introducing themselves." Yachiru explained.

One of them cleared their throat and began to speak " I am SoiFon captain of the 2nd division."SoiFon coldly stated not even making eye contact with the audience.

Hi I'm Kiyone Kotetsu and this is my sister lieutenant of the 4th division, Isane Kotetsu." Kiyone cheerfully stated.

"I am the vice-captain of the of the 12th Nemu Kurotsuchi." She was blushing as she said this.

"I'm the vice-captain of the 8th division Nanao Ise" She fixed her glasses.

"And I'm Zaraki Kenpachi!" Kenpachi interrupted.

"Ken-chan you're not in the club!" Yachiru interjected.

"True but today we're supposed to tell the story of how I got through Kindergarten."

"Oh really well you can tell us after we go on commercial!" Yachiru announced.

_ShinigamiLive-ShinigamiLive-ShinigamiLive-ShinigamiLive-ShinigamiLive_

_Hitsugaya: Head on apply directly to your Zanpakuto, Head on apply directly to your Zanpakuto_, _Head on apply directly to your Zanpakuto_, _Head on apply directly to your Zanpakuto_, _Head on apply directly to your Zanpakuto_.

_Hinamori: Active on apply directly to where it hurts, Active on apply directly to where it hurts, Active on apply directly to where it hurts, Active on apply directly to where it hurts, Active on apply directly to where it hurts, Active on apply directly to where it hurts._

_Yumichika: First on apply directly to where it itches, First on apply directly to where it itches, First on apply directly to where it itches, First on apply directly to where it itches, First on apply directly to where it itches, First on apply directly to where it itches._

_Ikkaku: GRRRR . . . I HATE THESE COMMERCIALS SO MUCH BUT THEY ARE GREAT PRODUCTS!_

_Orihime: All "ON" products available at the Urahara Shop in Karakura Town and remember talk slowly he doesn't understand speech well!_

_ShinigamiLive-ShinigamiLive-ShinigamiLive-ShinigamiLive-ShinigamiLive_

"And we're back now before we go to Kenpachi . . . Let's see a skit done by Ikkaku and Yumichika." Nemu announced enthusiastically.

_BaldIkkaku-GirlyhairedYumichika-BaldIkkaku-GirlyhairedYumikchika _

_Theme music_

" _. . .Baldy, Baldy, Baldy the explorer . . . BALDY! Baldy needs your worthless help and stuff. Grab your sword let's go jump in . . . Pretty Boy. You'll never lead the way . . . HEY! HEY! B-B-Baldy, B-B-Baldy, B-B-Baldy, B-B-Baldy . . . Mugger no Mugging, Mugger no Mugging, Mugger no Mugging . . . Curses. _

_BALDY THE EXPLORER!"_

_Ikkaku is seen in a pink shirt and yellow pants and Yumichika is in a Donkey Kong suit._

_Ikkaku picking his nose: Hi I'm Ikkaku Madrame or better known as Baldy the explorer._

_Yumichika glowering: And I'm Yumichika Asagaewa better known as Stiletto the Monkey . . . Oh why do I have to be in the monkey suit?_

_Ikkaku: what do you think I pay you for?_

_Yumichika: you don't pay me_

_Ikkaku: Oh yeah, I forgot. Well see ya!_

_Ikkaku runs away._

_Yumichika confused: Why did he just le . . . AHHHHHHHH WHAT THE F IS THAT?!_

_Ganju comes out of nowhere and lands on Yumichika crushing him instantly._

_Ganju: You have to watch your language there are children present especially the authoress's 5-year-old sister._

_The END!_

_BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH _

"Well now let's watch another one" Nanao added.

"Hey what about my story . . . " Kenpachi interrupted.

_Ichigostrawberry-Ichigostrawberry-Ichigostrawberry-Ichigostrawberry_

_Ichigo is dancing on his front lawn, and Renji runs by the house on a pony-on-a-stick._

_Renji: The British are coming the British are coming, THE BRITISH ARE GOING!_

_Ichigo: so?_

_Ichigo turns out to be a close relative of Kisame from Naruto and dies due to lack of oxygen. Renji turns out to be a juice box. Chad comes out of nowhere and eats it. Aizen comes._

_Aizen: I just stole_ Inoue.

Chad: WTF! So!

Aizen:I'm going to eat her . . .

Chad: save some for me!

Tosen comes around.

Tosen: Me too.

Aizen: Will do!

Hanatarou shows up.

Hanatarou: I just stole Rukia

Byakuya shows up and chops Hanatarou's head off. He goes into the Seiretei, where he is greeted by the rapping Captain Yamamoto.

Yamamoto: Yo B-dog. What's crackilatin'?

Byakuya uses Senbonzakura and kills Yamamoto or as he called himself Puffy Y. He turned into liquid and went to the next room

Shinji: we just sold Rukia to Grimmjow.

Meanwhile . . .

Rukia: BUNNIES!

Grimmjow kills Hanatarou. Rukia uses an escape pod and land in Hueco Mundo.

Rukia: What happened to my brother?

Aizen: He turned into a pie and was eaten. Want some fried Inoue.

Ishida walks in.

Ishida: AHHHHHH! MY LIFE HAS NO MEANING! RAMEN!

Ishida turns into an M&M which Rukia eats.

_Ichigostrawberry-Ichigostrawberry-Ichigostrawberry-Ichigostrawberry_

"Who was the idiot who put that on and who made it?" Renji finally awake said.

"I made it" Yachiru commented.

"What about my Story!" Kenpachi whined.

"Zaraki you can tell it the next chapter, oks?" Rangiku also awake said.

"Ok"

"Oh but before the show is over Reviewers Corner!" Rangiku chirped.

_From QueenofBookworms_

_Oh dear. Renji's hosting a show; Bya's listening to Hannah Montana, THE WORLD SHALL SPLODE!_

_Update soon_

_Have brownies. presents brownies with a flourish_

"Yay we got brownies" Rangiku cheered. "But there are only six so me, Renji, Toshiro, Yachiru, Ichigo, and Byakuya get one."

"What about me?" Grimmjow exclaimed.

"You can get one that Orihime made."

"EW, no thanks"

"Next one"

_From Kitty-taichou-sama_

_3 that makes me happy! Internet muffin?_

"Well Kitty-sama btw love you story Bleach in the Morning and thanks" Renji thanked.

_From LawBoy Neku Justice_

_Oh my gosh. I rofled xD I so needed that today!! You should make more and man I wish Renji had a show!_

_Two words: Elbow Ramen_

"Thank you Marker face man needed a shoe beside Bleach" Yachiru commented.

"A shoe?"

"Well tune in Next time for Kenpachi's Story . . ."

"Yay" Kenpachi grinned.

"And our special guest the Karakura Heroes!" Renji added.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME!

Btw: Leave a review of what Idea I should put_ next. _


	4. Karakura Heroes

**As promised the story goes on . . .**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach Tite Kubo does**

_movin'-hanabi-happypeople-life'slikeaboat-babyit'syou-houkiboshi,_

"_Live in 3,2,1"_

Renji and his co-hosts Rangiku and Ichigo came on stage "Hello and welcome to Shinigami Live where . . ." Renji stopped and paused when he noticed Kenpachi sitting on stage putting marks on the stage with his Zanpakuto.

"What are you doing here?" Ichigo questioned.

"You told me I could tell my story" He responded in a sickening tone of voice.

"When did we tell you that . . .oh?

**ZOMG! FLASHBACK!**

"_Zaraki you can tell it the next chapter, oks?" Rangiku also awake said._

"_Ok"_

few minutes later . . .

"_Well tune in Next time for Kenpachi's Story . . ."_

"_Yay" Kenpachi grinned._

**End of FLASBACK!**

"Oh really but okay after we interview the Karakura Heroes then you can tell you story!" Rangiku reassured.

"You promise?"

"Yeah sure"Renji answered.

"Pinky swear"

"What the hell?" Ichigo spat out and did the "pinky swear" with Kenpachi.

"And if you lie to me I get to kill Ichigo?"

"Sure kill the strawberry if you want." Renji said. He turned to face the audience. "Anyway today our special guests are . . . the Karakura Heroes!"

"Hey Moochie! Who was the douchebag that was incredibly stupid to give you your own show?" Jinta,the red head growled.

"HEY I AM NOT A DOUCHEBAG!" Byakuya yelled from the audience.

"Hey Moochie? Can we continue the interview?"

"Okay this time we are going on audience questions. Seat sadistic18.

Gin asked "Why are you guys called the Karakura heroes?"

Karin "Well cause that Don Kanonji convinced us to and it's named after the town we live in."

"Next seat draincell17."

Unohana asks "Who are you?"

"Well I'm Jinta and I am Karakura red."

"Brat your not I'm Karakura red" Karin interjected.

"I'm Karakura pink" Ururu stated quietly.

"Okay seat year3000."

Yachiru asked "Can Ken-chan do his story now?"

"Fine after our commercial"

_dtechnolife-asterisk-ichirinnohana-rollingstar-alones-afterdark-chubura_

_Ichigo is standing on top a wooden standing holding Rukia over his shoulder. But then launches Rukia towards Renji who was at least 50 ft. downward. Rukia and Renji drill into the ground. They pop back up with some dirt in their mouth. Komamura-taichou walks on screen wearing a frilly outfit holding a pack of gum._

_Komamura: Got a dirty mouth? Clean it up with new orbit ramen mint it's tangy!_

_Ichigo, Rukia, and Renji smile with stress marks on their faces._

_Komamura: Orbit for a good clean feeling._

_movin'-hanabi-happypeople-life'slikeaboat-babyit'syou-houkiboshi,_

"And we're back with a pie eating contest" Rangiku announced. "This between the captains and the lieutenants whoever wins gets to host for five whole episodes not counting the regular hosts and in Kenpachi's case gets to tell a story."

"YYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" Kenpachi announced.

"And our judge will be . . . Kukaku Shiba!" Kukaku walked out on stage smoking her pipe.

"On your mark get set go!"

Everyone started eating like like Choji from naruto like there was no tommorow. The Karakura heroes in the contest until Jinta and Karin passed out from "cake drunkness". Ururu had to carry them both back home. Next few to go were Unohana, Yamamoto, Hisagi, and Izuru who were convieniently carried by Dr. Mario and his army of viruses and vitamins. Kenpachi was so desperate to win he going through plates so fast that the bells on his hair started coming off. A few others left for the hospital especially Isane who now has a fear pie.

"Okay we'll be back after these commercial breaks"

_BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH-BLEACH_

Kon, Rukia, Renji, Orihime, Ishida, and Chad and Ichigo are in the Urahara shop and Ichigo sits down and farts.

Kon in a deep voice: Need a moment chew it over with new Twix : Soul Candy available now.

_Tonighttonighttonight-SakuraBiyori-babyit'syou-hapypeople-daidai-Hikarinorock_

"And we're back! And now a skit by Ikkaku and Yumichika." Renji announced.

"Wait I have something to say." Ichigo yelled.

"Okay go ahead."

"Hi I'm Ichigo Kurosaki the star of Bleach which I have no idea why it's called that. My goal here is to make you laugh in order to entertain you. So laugh now . . . Or the Girly Nerd gets it!" he said holding Zangetsu to Ishida's neck.

"DO IT HE'S CRAZY!" Ishida yelled.

"Okay on with the skit." Renji said.

_Aizensucks-Aizensucks-Aizensucks-Aizensucks-Aizensucks-Aizensucks_

Ikkaku: Hey Yumichika what are you doing?

Yumichika: Watching the solar eclipse

Ikkaku picking his nose: Won't your eyes burn with out those special glasses thingy.

Spontainously Yumichika eyes are set on fire by pyro with spiky red hair like Sonic the Hedgehog.

Yumichika: AHH! MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFULLY GORGEOUS!

_Ichigostrawberry-Ichigostrawberry-Ichigostrawberry-Ichigostrawberry- _

"We are back and now time for Reviewer's Corner." Rangiku announced.

_From yonnie1104_

_o...I really want 2 dat the karakura heroes r karin n them other guys I LOVE KARIN!_

"Yeah and that's why I should be Karakura red I have fans!"

"Next review"

_From animemaster62_

_Hey Renji you want a cookie? eating Plus I like waffles. If you like waffle, you can have some of those too! You rock!_

_**Montage Parody **_

Ichigo:Do you like waffles?

Renji: Is that supposed to be a joke?

Rangiku: Do you like pancakes?

Renji: NO!

Ichigo & Rangiku: Do you like french toast?

Renji I hate french toast so much!

All: Dodododo can't wait to get enough waffles!

"Well join us next time when . . ." Ichigo was interrupted by Kenpachi.

"WHAT ABOUT MY STORY!!" he screamed.

"Fine you'll host the show tomorrow so that way you get to tell the story."

"YAYZ!"

_Tonighttonighttonight-SakuraBiyori-babyit'syou-hapypeople-daidai-Hikarinorock_

Well ends another chapter pretty fast huh? Well remeber reviews keep the story going.


	5. Kenpachi in Kindergarten pt1

**Finally the chapter I was suppose to update Monday but I had no internet.**

**DISCLAIMER TIME!**

**Hanatarou: Shatter-sama in no way, shape, or form owns Bleach that's Tite Kubo who own it.**

_Tonighttonighttonight-SakuraBiyori-babyit'syou-hapypeople-daidai-Hikarinorock_

"Live in 3,2,1!"

Instead of regular hosts Renji, Rangiku, Ichigo it was the lovable . . . Kenpachi! The trio soon came on stage and sat in the chairs on stage quietly.

"Hello? And welcome to Shinigami Live and as promised Zaraki-taichou shall be telling his story." Renji with fake amusement stated.

Rangiku interrupted "Before we go to his story we are going to commercial."

_dtechnolife-asterisk-ichirinnohana-rollingstar-alones-afterdark-chubura_

_Tosen: Arrancars have proven to be able to do menial labor and here's what we mean take a look!_

_Histugaya &Karin: Yes it's true and ever since we've started using Zommari to do all the heavy lifting and Szayel to do most of the house work. Our marriage has never been better._

_Tosen: so call now at 1-800-ARRANCAR, and if your one of the first 100 callers you also get a free copy of Bleach bop the Bleach themes and endings sung by Ikkaku and Yumichika. _

_Tonighttonighttonight-SakuraBiyori-babyit'syou-hapypeople-daidai-Hikarinorock_

"Okay were back, Kenpachi you can tell you story."

"Nah I daon't wanna anymore."

That got Renji pissed. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN! YOU ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF US BEGGING TO TELL THE FRIGGIN' STORY . . ." Renji was restrained to a chair for the special people that need to go away for a while.

"Instead I show the OVA Kenpachi goes back to kindergarten." Kenpachi added.

_Tonighttonighttonight-SakuraBiyori-babyit'syou-hapypeople-daidai-Hikarinorock_

One day Kenpachi was painting his zanpakuto blue because he wanted it to look like a blue haired elf. However he was using sword polish to do it. Yachiru came in with his mail.

Kenpachi: Did I get doctors in the mail?

Yachiru: No . . . There are just stinky bills Ken-chan bill, bill, bill. . .

Kenpachi: So I got Bill Gates in the mail?

Yachiru: bill, bill, bill, ad, you've just won a million dollars, your zanpakuto's name, whoa Ken-chan! Look at this!

Yachiru held out a letter to Kenpachi, but Kenny looked at her empty hand.

Kenpachi: So it's just your hand what's in it?

Yachiru: No Kenny the other hand.

Kenpachi stared at the letter in Yachiru's hand. He observed it very closely poking and staring at it. Finally he spoke.

Kenpachi: Hey, your hand is a zanpakuto!

Yachiru: Silly Kenny, tricks are for kids.

The Rabbit out of nowhere: You share!

The rabbit tried to kick Yachiru until she bit him and ran screaming.

Yachiru: That was random.

Kenpachi: WHAT!

Yachiru shoved the letter in Kenny's face. He stared at the letter for a half hour, then finally picked it up. He stared at it and sniffed it. Mmm . . . tacos . . . anyway, Kenny finally opened the letter and stared at it for another half hour. Finally, Yachiru came in and grabbed it out of his hand.

Yachiru: I'll read it to you since I forgot you can't read.

Kenpachi: IF YOU WALK AWAY YOU DON'T HEAR ME SAY !!

Yachiru: Dear Captain Kenpachi Zaraki. We regret to inform you that you never passed kindergarten. Because of this, you must take a full week of kindergarten, or else you can never get a job. This includes being the captain of the 11th division. So if you wish to continue hunting down Ichigo Kurosaki and killing him. You will have to finish kindergarten. Your first day will be Monday July 13. You will be attending. Don Kanonji elementary.

Yachiru stared at Kenpachi.

Yachiru: You never finished kindergarten?

Kenpachi: Hey, I'm cold.

Yachiru just gave Kenpachi an odd look. She then sighed and put the letter back in the envelope.

Yachiru: Well Ken-chan it looks like you're going back to Kindergarten on Monday.

Kenpachi: And I'm Zaraki Kenpachi!!

A few days passed by, and Monday. Yachiru escorted Kenny to Don Kanonji elementary where there were children playing outside, and left him by the front doors.

Kenpachi: KUROSAKI!!

Kenpachi kicked down the doors and ran inside, jumping up and down as if he were a kangaroo. Suddenly, a man wearing a ridiculous outfit stepped in front of him, but Kenpachi knocked him to the ground and continued bouncing.

Stupid outfit man: KENPACHI!

Kenpachi stopped bouncing and looked at the roof.

Kenpachi: THE ROOF IS TALKING TO ME!

Stupid outfit man: Kenpachi, behave yourself!

Kenpachi: Yes, roof! I will do anything you say!

Stupid outfit man: KENPACHI, OVER HERE!!

Kenpachi looked around at the Stupid outfit man that had stood in his way. He then started to laugh like crazy.

Stupid outfit man: Kenpachi, stop that!

Kenpachi continued laughing at nothing. He was rolling on the ground laughing his head off. Finally he stopped laughing as he started and stared at the Stupid outfit man.

Stupid outfit man: Anyway . . . Captain Zaraki, I have been informed that you will be retaking kindergarten for a week. I have been assigned the task of teaching you. You may call me Mr. Grimmjow.

Kenpachi: Okay, Betty!

Grimmjow: This is going to be harder than I thought . . .

_Tonighttonighttonight-SakuraBiyori-babyit'syou-hapypeople-daidai-Hikarinorock_

"Well wasn't that a great story" Kenpachi commented.

"Yeah Whatever will you leave now?" Renji asked irritated.

"Wait that was only half there's a part two" Kenpachi explained.

"WHAT THE HELL YOU STUPID . . ." Renji was restrained again.

"Okay time for Reviewer's Corner" Rangiku announced.

_From yonnie1104_

_whoa kenny really wants 2 hear dat story nice of u to let him. o n of course karin u have fans i jus hope u n toshirou make it on this story together, wait a min, author who made this story do u like hitsukarin?_

The author that's me comes on stage.

"YES!" she announced. Then walks off.

"Well remember to review and check out our theme song on youtube or on www(dot)freewebs(dot)com/siennamist and click on the shinigami live page." Ichigo announced.

"It's called random bleach opening by the author's other alias DBZBT32." Renji explained.

"Goodnight people!"

_Tonighttonighttonight-SakuraBiyori-babyit'syou-hapypeople-daidai-Hikarinorock_

Well another chapter remeber . . . REVIEW!


	6. Kenpachi in Kindergarten pt2

**Kenpachi in Kindergarten part two has ARRIVED!**

**DISCLAIMER TIME!**

**Rukia: Shatter-sama does not own Bleach, or brands of Bleach like Clorox or white king.**

Aizensucks -_Aizensucks_-_Aizensucks-Aizensucks-Aizensucks-Aizensucks- Aizensucks_

"_Live in 3,2,1"_

Renji and Ichigo walk on stagealong with Masumotowho was unconscious being dragged by her arms. It was clear she was drunk and passed out.

"Hi and welcome to Shinigami live. As you can see, Masumoto is drunk and unable to commentate so instead, please put your hands together for . . . Byakuya Kuchiki." Renji announced. As Byakuya walked on stage, rabid fangirls rushed on stage but . . .

"BACK DEMONS!" Byakuya yelled holding up a garlic necklace and hissed. The fangirls instantly assimilated.

"Wow way to handle the fan girls . . . Hanatarou clean this place up!" Ichigo ordered.

"Anyway today Kenpachi will continue to show his OVA special and Show an Ikkaku and Yumichika cartoon. Any questions? Good I didn't think so." Renji explained. "Kenpachi!"

"Right after our commercial break, Kenpachi in Kindergarten part 2"

_Aizensucks_- _Aizensucks_-_Aizensucks-Aizensucks-Aizensucks-Aizensucks- Aizensucks_

Ichigo, Rukia, and Ishida are on a roller coaster going extremely fast. While Ishida was freaking out for the ten minute ride Ichigo and Rukia notice a strange odor. When they got off, they noticed Ishida's pants were wet.

Rukia: OMG! DID YOU JUST PISS YOUR PANTS?!

Kon in a deep voice: Need a moment? Chew it over with new Snickers Bleach flavor.

Ishida shoves the candy bar in his mouth.

Orihime: Snickers it's all in the mix.

_Aizensucks_- _Aizensucks_-_Aizensucks-Aizensucks-Aizensucks-Aizensucks- Aizensucks_

"And we're back Kenpachi continue your stinkin' OVA."

"Oooooooooooooo yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" Kenpachi screamed_. "_Nanao play the tape!!"

_Tosensucktoo-Tosensucktoo-Tosensucktoo-Tosensucktoo-Tosensucktoo-Tosensucktoo_

Later that day, class finally began. Kenpachi was sitting next to some fat girl with glasses.

Grimmjow: Hello class!

Class: Hello, Mr. Jaggerjack

Kenpachi: Hello, Betty!

Grimmjow: Now, today, we have a special student with us. He's retaking kindergarten and we're going to help him! He's none other than the famous yet bloodthirsty Captain Kenpachi Zaraki!

The class looked at Kenpachi. A couple of kids stared. Others started whispering to one another_._

Grimmjow: Okay class. Today we're going to learn the alphabet! Kenpachi can you say your ABCs?

Kenpachi: Your A sneeze please!

Grimmjow: No . . . you know A B C D E F G.

Kenpachi: ABC DELL MAKI MAKI!!

Grimmjow: Kenpachi I won't tolerate your silliness.

Kenpachi: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!!

Grimmjow: You'll have to wait until class is over.

Some kids started whispering to each other again.

Grimmjow: Your attention class. Can anyone tell Captain Zaraki his ABCs?

The fat girl next to Kenpachiraised her hand_._

Grimmjow: Lordisha?

Lordisha: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O-

Kenpachi: BOOGER RAMEN!!

Grimmjow: Kenpachi, it's rude to interrupt.

But I wanna say my ABCs!

Grimmjow: Well wait until Lordisha says it.

Lordisha: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U-

Kenpachi: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!!

Grimmjow: Kenpachi, please don't interrupt! I'm sorry but because you interrupted Lordisha after I warned you, I'm putting your name on the board.

Kenpachi but I gotta go BAD!!

Grimmjow: Okay Kenpachi. **clenching teeth **Go to the BATHROOM!

Kenpachi did nothing.

Grimmjow: Well?

Kenpachi: Well what?

Grimmjow: Aren't you going to the bathroom?

Kenpachi: I don't want to!

Grimmjow: You interrupted Lordisha to tell me you needed to go. so go!

Kenpachi: but I don't have to go.

Grimmjow: . . .Kenpachi, I don't find this funny at all. I'm putting a check next to your name.

Lordisha: A B C D-

Grimmjow: Hold on a second, Lordisha.

Kenpachi: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!!

Grimmjow: Kenpachi, if you do that again, I'm giving you another check. That means you'll have to stay after school.

Lordisha: AB C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y-

Kenpachi: Hannah! Lordisha's wrong! It's Y A C H I-

Grimmjow: Kenpachi, now's not the time to say if Lordisha was wrong or not. That's my job. Now please let Lordisha finish her ABCs.

Kenpachi: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!!

Grimmjow: Kenpachi, don't push it.

Kenpachi: Push what?

Grimmjow: Okay, enough ABCs. It's seems we all know them by now thanks to Lordisha. Besides, it's naptime!

Kenpachi: But I'm not hungry!

Grimmjow: Kenpachi, naptime is when we all take a time out to sleep for a half hour.

Kenpachi: Okie Dokie.

So, after setting mats all over the floor Kenpachi tried to cut his up with his zanpakuto but Grimmjow stopped him, the kids were soon fast asleep. Except for Kenpachi. . .

Kenpachi: Dum dee dum dee!

Grimmjow walked over to Kenpachi's mat and got his attention.

Grimmjow: Kenpachi, don't you think it would be a good idea for you to try and go to sleep now?

Kenpachi: Why?

Grimmjow: because you need sleep.

Kenpachi: Why?

Grimmjow: You'll be cranky.

Kenpachi: Why?

Grimmjow: Because you wouldn't have gotten sleep.

Kenpachi: Why?

Grimmjow: haha , you do have a good sense of humor, but please try to sleep.

Grimmjow: walked away from Kenpachi's mat and sat at his desk to take a break. Two minutes passed and . . .

Kenpachi: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!!

Kenpachi screamed so loudly that he woke up all the sleeping students, who were now griping and complaining. Grimmjow got up from his desk.

Grimmjow: I'm sorry Kenpachi. . .

Grimmjow put a check next to Kenpachi's name. Kenpachi started to cheer and dance.

Kenpachi: WAHOO!!

Lordisha: Stop it, Kenpachi.

Kenpachi: YOU'RE JUST A SORE LOSER!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Grimmjow: Kenpachi stop it.

Kenpachi: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!!

Grimmjow finally lost it.

Grimmjow: THAT'S IT, CAPTAIN ZARAKI!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!I'LL PASS YOU IF YOU JUST LEAVE AND NEVER COME HERE AGAIN!!

Kenpachi: Okie Dokie!

Kenpachi walked through the door next to Grimmjow.

Grimmjow: AND YOU JUST WALKED INTO A CLOSET!!

Kenpachi walked out.

Kenpachi: I don't got to go to the bathroom anymore. SEEYA!

Grimmjow: OO

Kenpachi left the building and ran to the noodle shop. After going into the back, getting yelled at, and kicked out, he went home.

Yachiru: So how did it go Kenny?

Kenpachi: How did what go?

Yachiru: Kindergarten.

Kenpachi: I wanna go to Kindergarten.

Yachiru: Well aren't you going back tomorrow.

The phone rang and Yachiru picked it up. After a few "uh huh"s and "yes"s she put the phone down.

Yachiru: Well they told me you passed. I'm so proud of you Ken-chan.

Kenpachi: YAY ME!

_Tosensucktoo-Tosensucktoo-Tosensucktoo-Tosensucktoo-Tosensucktoo-Tosensucktoo_

"Well that's the end, finally" Renji said relieved.

"And now time for a Ikkaku and Yumichika cartoon!" Byakuya stated.

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Ikkaku: Hey, Komamura why are so sad and furry?

Komamura: I don't want to talk about it.

Ikkaku: Aw come on . . .

Komamura: FOOL! ASK ME ONE MORE TIME AND YOU SHALL PERISH!!

Ikkaku: Okay fine. Yumichika can you ask Komamura-taichou a question for me.

_Aizensucks_- _Aizensucks_-_Aizensucks-Aizensucks-Aizensucks-Aizensucks- Aizensucks_

"Now it's Time for Reviewer's Corner"Renji added.

_From yonne1104:_

_oh yea so glad this is the best show ever guys gotta love the shinigami live. Oh n Byakua please please please tell me, wat u think about Rengi's accomplishment n rengi dont u think u did better than tellitubbies .lol, seeya next time._

yonne1104

"Well I make a lot of money off the show about 50 of the profits and this seriously was the second best idea I've ever had!" Byakuya announced.

"And the first was?" Ichigo asked.

"Listening to Hannah Montana"

"I was always cooler than the teletubbies especially that Dipsy who thinks he makes the fangirls drool NO FRIGGIN WAY!" Renji has gone psycho again.

_From Kitty-taichou-sama_

_Kitty-sama: (jacks renji's chili dog) hahahahaha!_

Renji: ...

Kitty-sama: what?

"Who told the internet that it was okay to steal my chili dog" Renji complained. Ichigo randomly steals the chili dog that Renji happened to be eating.

"HEY!"

"Hey Everybody!" Rangiku woke up. "Is the show already over."

"Yeah it is" Byakuya stated.

"Tune in Next time for our next episode where we sue famous Anime Characters."

_Tosensucktoo-Tosensucktoo-Tosensucktoo-Tosensucktoo-Tosensucktoo-Tosensucktoo_

_**Leave a request of which anime characters are getting sued.**_


	7. A Trip down Memory Lane

**Well we at Shinigami Live are currently trying to locate the Shinigami from Death Note and Michael Jackson**. **So to keep you entertained we have our most memorable moments in Shinigami Live thus far.**

One- Baldy The Explorerand Stilettos the monkey.

" _. . .Baldy, Baldy, Baldy the explorer . . . BALDY! Baldy needs your worthless help and stuff. Grab your sword let's go jump in . . . Pretty Boy. You'll never lead the way . . . HEY! HEY! B-B-Baldy, B-B-Baldy, B-B-Baldy, B-B-Baldy . . . Mugger no Mugging, Mugger no Mugging, Mugger no Mugging . . . Curses. _

_BALDY THE EXPLORER!"_

_Ikkaku is seen in a pink shirt and yellow pants and Yumichika is in a Donkey Kong suit._

_Ikkaku picking his nose: Hi I'm Ikkaku Madrame or better known as Baldy the explorer._

_Yumichika glowering: And I'm Yumichika Asagaewa better known as Stiletto the Monkey . . . Oh why do I have to be in the monkey suit?_

_Ikkaku: what do you think I pay you for?_

_Yumichika: you don't pay me_

_Ikkaku: Oh yeah, I forgot. Well see ya!_

_Ikkaku runs away._

_Yumichika confused: Why did he just le . . . AHHHHHHHH WHAT THE F IS THAT?!_

_Ganju comes out of nowhere and lands on Yumichika crushing him instantly._

_Ganju: You have to watch your language there are children present especially the authoress's 5-year-old sister._

_The END!_

**Two-Ichigo's interview**

"_That was disturbing audience questions seat 2."_

_Isane asked "Do you like Rukia?"_

"_Ew no, we are just friends."_

"_Next seat over 9000!"_

_Izuru asked "Do you still use Zangetsu?"_

"_Nope"_

"_Why?"_

"_I got hungry and it?" That earned a lot of weird looks._

"_Seat 1"_

"_I am the great Aizen!"_

"_Moron. seat 6."_

_A mysterious person asked "How do you feel about Isshin Kurosaki?"_

"_Who?"_

"_My point exactly" Renji replied._

_??reveals himself to be Ichigo Dad._

"_Who?" said the audience._

"_AARGH" Ichigo's dad stomps out of the studio._

"_Out of seriousness I don't want dad around but I sometimes appreciate him._

_(AWWW)_

"_Shut up"_

"_Seat 666"_

_Hanatarou asked "what is your weakness."_

"_Getting hit in the stomach." Everyone especially the Espadas take out note books and start writing in them._

**Three- The random cartoon**

_Ichigo is dancing on his front lawn, and Renji runs by the house on a pony-on-a-stick._

_Renji: The British are coming the British are coming, THE BRITISH ARE GOING!_

_Ichigo: so?_

_Ichigo turns out to be a close relative of Kisame from Naruto and dies due to lack of oxygen. Renji turns out to be a juice box. Chad comes out of nowhere and eats it. Aizen comes._

_Aizen: I just stole Inoue._

_Chad: WTF! So!_

_Aizen:I'm going to eat her . . ._

_Chad: save some for me!_

_Tosen comes around._

_Tosen: Me too._

_Aizen: Will do!_

_Hanatarou shows up._

_Hanatarou: I just stole Rukia_

_Byakuya shows up and chops Hanatarou's head off. He goes into the Seiretei, where he is greeted by the rapping Captain Yamamoto._

_Yamamoto: Yo B-dog. What's crackilatin'?_

_Byakuya uses Senbonzakura and kills Yamamoto or as he called himself Puffy Y. He turned into liquid and went to the next room_

_Shinji: we just sold Rukia to Grimmjow._

_Meanwhile . . ._

_Rukia: BUNNIES!_

_Grimmjow kills Hanatarou. Rukia uses an escape pod and land in Hueco Mundo._

_Rukia: What happened to my brother?_

_Aizen: He turned into a pie and was eaten. Want some fried Inoue._

_Ishida walks in._

_Ishida: AHHHHHH! MY LIFE HAS NO MEANING! RAMEN!_

_Ishida turns into an M&M which Rukia eats._

**Four-Pie eating contest**

"_And we're back with a pie eating contest" Rangiku announced. "This between the captains and the lieutenants whoever wins gets to host for five whole episodes not counting the regular hosts and in Kenpachi's case gets to tell a story."_

"_YYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" Kenpachi announced._

"_And our judge will be . . . Kukaku Shiba!" Kukaku walked out on stage smoking her pipe._

"_On your mark get set go!"_

_Everyone started eating like like Choji from naruto like there was no tommorow. The Karakura heroes in the contest until Jinta and Karin passed out from "cake drunkness". Ururu had to carry them both back home. Next few to go were Unohana, Yamamoto, Hisagi, and Izuru who were convieniently carried by Dr. Mario and his army of viruses and vitamins. Kenpachi was so desperate to win he going through plates so fast that the bells on his hair started coming off. A few others left for the hospital especially Isane who now has a fear pie._

"_Okay we'll be back after these commercial breaks"_

**Five-Kenpchi in Kindergarten **

_Kenpachi: KUROSAKI!!_

_Kenpachi kicked down the doors and ran inside, jumping up and down as if he were a kangaroo. Suddenly, a man wearing a ridiculous outfit stepped in front of him, but Kenpachi knocked him to the ground and continued bouncing._

_Stupid outfit man: KENPACHI!_

_Kenpachi stopped bouncing and looked at the roof._

_Kenpachi: THE ROOF IS TALKING TO ME!_

_Stupid outfit man: Kenpachi, behave yourself!_

_Kenpachi: Yes, roof! I will do anything you say!_

_Stupid outfit man: KENPACHI, OVER HERE!!_

_Kenpachi looked around at the Stupid outfit man that had stood in his way. He then started to laugh like crazy._

_Stupid outfit man: Kenpachi, stop that!_

_Kenpachi continued laughing at nothing. He was rolling on the ground laughing his head off. Finally he stopped laughing as he started and stared at the Stupid outfit man._

_Stupid outfit man: Anyway . . . Captain Zaraki, I have been informed that you will be retaking kindergarten for a week. I have been assigned the task of teaching you. You may call me Mr. Grimmjow._

_Kenpachi: Okay, Betty!_

_Grimmjow: This is going to be harder than I thought . . ._

_Kenpachi: YOU'RE JUST A SORE LOSER!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!_

_Grimmjow: Kenpachi stop it._

_Kenpachi: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!!_

_Grimmjow finally lost it._

_Grimmjow: THAT'S IT, CAPTAIN ZARAKI!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!I'LL PASS YOU IF YOU JUST LEAVE AND NEVER COME HERE AGAIN!!_

_Kenpachi: Okie Dokie!_

_Kenpachi walked through the door next to Grimmjow._

_Grimmjow: AND YOU JUST WALKED INTO A CLOSET!!_

_Kenpachi walked out._

_Kenpachi: I don't got to go to the bathroom anymore. SEEYA!_

_Grimmjow: OO_

_Kenpachi left the building and ran to the noodle shop. After going into the back, getting yelled at, and kicked out, he went home._

**And those were are most memorable moments in Shinigami Live. Hope to see in the next chapter!**

**Shatter-sama**


	8. Authoress note

**People I so need more suggestionfor people to sue so far I've only gotten:**

**Kikyo for being a dumbshit who just won't stay dead.**

**Death Note shinigami for making Mayuri's freaky** **Bankai Baby thing look very pretty compared to them**.

**Michael Jackson for stealing Slushies**

**Momo Hinamori for abusing Toshie!**

**Hannah Montana for Brain washing Byakuya**

**Ichigo for not admitting he is in fact a fruit**

**Well that's it for now please PM or Review! Thanks for the ideas so far!**


	9. Judge flower power

**Long awaited court cases have arrived! Thanks for all your suggestions ON with the chapter**!

**DISCLAIMER!**

**I totally in no way, shape, form or detergent product own Bleach.**

_Tonighttonighttonight-SakuraBiyori-babyit'syou-hapypeople-daidai-Hikarinorock_

"Live in 3,2,1!"

"All rise for the dishonorable Judge Byakuya Kuchiki!" The bailiff, Renji ordered. Obiediently those in attendence rise from their seats for the Captain.

"Yeah, yeah. Bring in the first case." Byakuya ordered. The court room begins to sit down.

"HEY! Did I give you PERMISSION to sit?" Bewilderedly, the court stands back up.

"Sit down" Byakuya ordered. The court begins to sit back down.

"Nu-uh-ahhhhh! I didn't say Simon Says.

"Judge-taichou, there seems to bee some discrepancy of who sits where." Renji explained.

"Wha? Speak English, Jeez your just like Marth in SSBB when he wins no one understands what the hell he's saying!"Byakuya asked the commented.

"There are four parties in this case. AngelicxDemonic is to sue Momo Hinamori, Ryuk that shinigami obsessed with apples from Death Note, and Michael Jackson.Momo for abusing Captain Toshirou Hitsugaya allegedly,. Ryuk and that other shinigami that hangs out with Misa for making us shinigami look f ugly. And Michael Jackson for stealing her slushie. Oh and it's watermelon flavored.

"(gasp) send him to 80 years in hell watermelon slushie is totally worth it."

"And the others?" Renji questioned.

"Put Shatter-sama in the in the prosecution stand, and Ryuk in the denfense stand."Byakuya ordered.

"And what about Momo?" Renji questioned.

"Put her in the back of the courtroom in the cardboard box she can argue from there" Byakuya commanded pointing to said cardboard box in the back which was chewed a little.

Shatter entered with her attorney the author (that's me Shattter-sama). Ryuk entered with his attorney Light Yagami. And Momo entered with her attorney Izuru Kira not the best choice I'd say.

"I'M BACK B!!" Shatter-sama screamed.

"Before we begin did Komamura remember to take away the Death Note?" Byakuya asked.

"Right Here!" Komamura announced.

"Okay Shatter-sama your first."

"Well you see my client is suing Death Note because the Shinigami are making Captain Kurotsuchi seem very pretty . . . and that's just messed up."

Byakuya takes one look at them and pisses his pants. Shatter-Sama starts laughing like crazy. While Byakuya starts crying. Rangiku interrupts. "We'll be right back after these short messages from Kenpachi's Dance floor

_Tonighttonighttonight-SakuraBiyori-babyit'syou-hapypeople-daidai-Hikarinorock_

_Kenpachi: Come to Kenpachi's Dance Floor the Seireitei's no. 1 spot for dancing, booze and killing spree serve personally by the Ronsos of Mt. Gagazet. So come tonight for Captain Kyoraku's Birthday with our Ishida pinata. _

_Ishida: HELP ME!!_

_Tonighttonighttonight-SakuraBiyori-babyit'syou-hapypeople-daidai-Hikarinorock_

"And we are back now with our next case" Rangiku announced. "All vs. Renji"

"WHAT THE F!! WHAT DID I DO!!" Renji shouted. The Nut house was already ready with bear tranquilizer and shot about twenty needles and only nineteen hit.

Good night, Renji.

"Okay next case yonne 1104 against .. ." Ichigo declared " er well . . .Jinta for beating on Ururu."

Jinta: Hey!

"Urahara for acting gay"

Shatter-sama: someone had to notice eventually.

"Ishiin for lying to his son, when he know he's a shinigami . . . wait he's a shinigami MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE!!" Ichigo ran out of the courtroom.

"I'll take his place" Grimmjow stated. " soi fong for being in love with another woman"

"I'm not in love I just really admire her."

"Yea right, Yamamoto for looking fat when he's really too buff"

"Death note,for sitting really ugly on that chair and eating too much fruits"

"Inuyasha for loving two women(that are the same person) Kikyo and Kagome."

"Naraku for really being a spider

Kanna for holding a mirror and never looking in it"

"And Finally, Naruto for loving a girl who has pink loving a boy with blue hair

Sasuke for acting like he's gay and having BLUE FREAKIN HAIR!

Konohamaru's friend for never wiping that snot off his nose."

"All of them are being sued each for about a kerjillion dollars each. Or they can listen to Hannah Montana for 24 hours straight."

"We'll be right back after these commercial messages."

_Tonighttonighttonight-SakuraBiyori-babyit'syou-hapypeople-daidai-Hikarinorock_

New at W.T.F the newest album from Captain Aizen hits like his single "What are you freakin homo?" and " And if I were gay" and his duet with Yoruichi " Captain Grab Ass".

In stores 12.8.08

_Tonighttonighttonight-SakuraBiyori-babyit'syou-hapypeople-daidai-Hikarinorock_

"Well that's our show tune in next time on SHINIGAMI LIVE! When our special guest is those dudes from Ouran High School Host Club. See you Next Time."

_Tonighttonighttonight-SakuraBiyori-babyit'syou-hapypeople-daidai-Hikarinorock_

**Finally I updated remember to keep reviewing or I'll be very pissed.**


	10. Honor thy inner hilarity

**HELLO! I'M BACK BABY! Man I took way to long of a break but now I'm with the special Shinigami Live comercial special Best of the Best**. **Now here's Mansex with Disclaimer.**

**Mansex: Shatter-sama in no way, shape, form or little monkey owns Bleach thats Tite Kubo.**

**On with the Show**

_Tonighttonighttonight-SakuraBiyori-babyit'syou-hapypeople-daidai-Hikarinorock_

"Live in 3,6,4"

" Who the f*** was the d****s**** who said that?" Hitsugaya screamed being all childish.

"Come on lighten up this is Aizen's first time announcing" Rangiku scolded before running on stage.

"Hello and Welcome to the Commercial Special dedicated to all our original commercial done on the show here's our commercial.

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_**Aizen: I'm Sosuke Aizen and I lost 200 pounds on Bleachisysytem.**_

_**Komamura: And I'm Saijin Komamura and I lost 400 pounds on Bleachi system.**_

_**Aizen it's so simple you just go to any random place and go on a 14 day killing spree.**_

_**Komamura: It worked for Kenpachi so call 1800- 85BLEACH! Call Now!**_

_Tonighttonighttonight-SakuraBiyori-babyit'syou-hapypeople-daidai-Hikarinorock_

Rangiku: And we're Back! First of all since Shatter-sama is completely lazy we are switching to script form.

Ichigo: Why?

Rangiku: Didn't you just here me?

Ichigo: Oh ok.

Renji: Today on Shinigami Live we look into the . . .

???: Know your Stars, Know your Stars, Know your Stars.

Renji: What the Hell? WTFOMGBBQ!!

???: Renji Abarai . . . he's really Reno.

Renji: Who's Reno?

???: Renji Abarai . . . he sleeps with a stuffed Ichigo doll at night.

Renji: No I don't you don't have proof.

??? shows a picture of Renji sleeping with a life-size ichigo doll.

Renji: That was doctored!

Rangiku:AWWW!

Audience: AWWW!

Renji: Shut up!

???: Renji Abarai . . . His tattoos are really markers done by Jigglypuff.

Renji: Nu-Uh.

???: And now you know Renji the Marker faced Ichigolovin Reno Impersonator.

Renji: NO THEY DON'T ! THEY KNOW NOTHING!!

A tranquilizer dart hit Renji soon after. It's Nap Time.

Rangiku: Today we were originally suppose to be interviewing the Hikaru and Kaoru Hitaichiin from Ouran High School Host Club but they declined but luckily. . .

Ichigo: We got the 4th next best thing . . . Haruhi!

Haruhi walks on stage taking a seat in between Rangiku and the sleeping Renji.

Rangiku: Hello Haruhi.

Haruhi: Hello.

Ichigo: So how's it going?

Haruhi: good.

Ichigo: Holding up there all right?

Haruhi: Yeah.

Ichigo: You wanna a soda?

Haruhi: no.

Rangiku: So Audience Questions. Seat E=mc2.

Yuzu: Wait so your not a guy?

Haruhi: no.

Ichigo: Seat SB129.

Ishida: Would you go out with me?

Haruhi: no.

Ishida: WAHHH!

Rangiku: Seat pw3nd.

Yamamoto: Do Do you have a first aid kit. Cause my heart is damaged so damged how ya gonna fix it fix it fix it?

Haruhi: IDK my bff Jill?

Ichigo: Last Question. Seat X-2.

Urahara: do you like tuna?

Haruhi: yes!

Throws tuna at Haruhi.

Haruhi: Thanks

Rangiku: Well that's all the time we have for today join us next time were we interview the koopalings and Bowser Jr. See ya

**Review pretty please.**


	11. STINKY CHEESE MAN!

**Shinigami Live Chapter 11**

**Authoress note: Due to the fact that Shatter-sama is very lazy and that her computer got taken away now she is stuck to updating once a month but the chapters are finally getting better now here is Kyoraku with the disclaimer.**

**Kyoraku: Shatter-sama in no way shape or bodily function owns Bleach but that would be AWESOME if she did.**

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"Live in 4, tres, two, uno, FERGALICIOUS!

"Ladies and Shinigamis live from the Seireitei this . . . is . . . SPARTA! Uh I mean, THIS IS SHINIGAMI LIVE!! Here are your hosts Ichigo Kurosaki, Rangiku Masumoto, and Renji Abarai."

Ichigo and Rangiku walk onto the stage in front of the sleeping Renji from last episode. On there way there, Ichigo manages to kick Renji in the err . . . where the sun does not shine. Renji apparently was unaffected.

Rangiku: Hello and welcome to Shinigami Live the Seireitei's no. MOST BADASS SHOW WOOT!

Renji: WOOT! YEAH! I TOLD BYAKUYA THIS WASN'T AN IMPENDING EPIC FAILURE!

??? When did Renji wake up?

Ichigo: So any way, today on Shinigami Live we could do one of the following:

A.) Beat up a cougar, not an old lady an actual cougar.

B.) Take a look at Urahara's new job.

C.) Watch two birds do it.

Renji: I pick b!

Ichigo: Let's go live to our field correspondent Kenpachi Zaraki.

Kenpachi: Thanks strawberry. Today me and Yachiru are at the Shroom International airport with Kisuke Urahara.

Urahara: Hi people!

Kenpachi: And what is it that you do?

Urahara: Well Zaraki-taichou I am currently employed to clean the poop out of the airplane bathroom.

Kenpachi: Well that's just super you know . . . wait I'm sorry what?

Urahara: You heard me.

Kenpachi: Well there you have it that fag clearly has the worst job in the history of the world. Back to you fruit.

Ichigo: Thank you Kenpachi.

Rangiku: And now here is philosophy with Toshirou Hitsugaya.

Toshirou: Today, it's all about choices. I will offer the greatest advice ever. You can pick your friends and you can your nose but you can't pick your friends nose but you can pick your friends nose if you're a colossal douche.

Renji: Thanks, We'll be right back after these commercial messages from COOKIE DUDE!

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Cookie Dude: Hey people, I is the COOKIE DUDE! And right now at all participating COOKIE DUDE COOKIE FACTORIES! You get a free chocolate dip pickle with every 10 cookies purchased. That's a steal right UKITAKE!

Ukitake: Right cookie dude!

Cookie: So visit your local COOKIE DUDE COOKIE FACTORY NOW OR DIE!

Ukitake: DO IT HE'S (BLLEP) UP!

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Renji: Welcome back! Now for our special guest we were supposed to have the koopalings but Kenpachi killed Morton for stealing his wedding cake. But luckily nobody cares, I think we did the world a favor.

Rangiku: So instead. . . please let me introduce STINKY CHEESE MAN!!

The big hunk of cheese fell from the stage lights and made a very big glob puddle.

Stinky Cheese Man: ¿Hola! cómo le yendo desea un refresco?

Renji: How's it going you want a soda?

SCM: ¿qué?

Renji: Oh Crap! Why didn't you tell me he only speaks Spanish, Rangiku!

Rangiku: We thought you knew?

Ichigo: Quick get Chad he's Mexican that's close enough to Spanish!

Chad: ¿Sí, cuál es su nombre?

SCM: ¡Mi nombre es hombre del queso de Stinky!

Chad: ¿Cómo es usted?

SCM: Huelo como las fresas y el queso putrefacto.

Ichigo: Well since no one knows what they're saying we'll just move on to our next segment.

Rangiku: DOUCHEBAG OF THE YEAR!

Renji: But before you ask Sosuke Aizen will not be in this competition because we all obviously know he's going to win. So we entered him in mister douchebag universe, the even bigger award on a later show date.

Rangiku: Sasuke Uchiha for being evil and gay at the same time.

Sasuke: OHH YEAH!

Ichigo: Kaname Tosen, for being blind and helping Aizen plus no one ever liked him.

Renji: Marluxia, for having girly pink hair and manly man voice.

Ichigo: Light Yagami, for killing L. Shatter-sama will not get over it.

Rangiku: Luigi Mario, for being a total sissy. Riku for being a total douche and make everyone believe Sora is gay.

Renji: Vayne Solidor, for trying to take over Ivalice. Vegeta because he is such a total loser who only cares about himself. Trunks totally owns man! WOOT!

Ichigo: Kazuya Mishima, for purposely killing Eddy Gordo's parents and blaming it on him and for trying to kill Heihachi, his own father on purpose! THAT MESSED UP!!

Rangiku: Is there any more?

Ichigo: Oh yeah and Kurosaki Ichigo for the number of times he attacked Kon.

Renji: Who's Kurosaki Ichigo?

Byakuya: You mean Ichigo Kurosaki, dipwad!

Ichigo: WHAT! HOW COME I'M ON THE LIST! WHAT EVER YOU DO DON'T VOTE FOR ME!

Renji: {do it anyway} and now to important news. We've finally made enough saki for the world.

Rangiku: YYYYYEEEESSSSS!!!

The Audience goes crazy and some dude manages to start a fire. They managed to run out of the studio.

Renji: STINKY CHEESE MAN NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

¿Por qué? ¿Por qué? ¡El pollo loco!

Renji starts crying.

Rangiku: Well join us next time where we find the world's greatest chilidog ever. And remember to vote for douche bag of the year on Shatter-sama's profile!

Ichigo: ¡La fresa está muy bien!

**VOTE NOW!!**


	12. KENPACHI NO!

**Shatter-sama: FINALLY! A NEW CHAPTER! I'm so sorry folks for not updating in FOREVER! Writer's block is the worst I had to watch three months worth of stand-up for some inspiration. Now here's Momo and Byakuya-taichou with the disclaimer. See this time I remembered! **

**Byakuya: Warning! What your about to see are mildly graphic scenes of substance abuse, striped sweaters, and a man of many Jigglypuff attacks, mangling innocent chameleon nerds with chilidogs.. **

**Momo: Also, Shatter-sama in no way shape, bodily function or detergent owns Bleach. But sure wishes she did. **

**Shatter-sama: WWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! **

**Rayman Rabbid: DDDDAAAAAAHHHH! **

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Ichimaru: LIVE! In 3, 2,-

Ikkaku: I LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT!!

Ichimaru: Live in 3, 2,-

Yumichika: I LIKE CEREAL!

Ichimaru: LIVE IN 3, 2 AND MANBLEEPING 1!! AGROMUFUGAH!

Kyoraku: Ladies and Shinigamis, live from Komamura –taichou's backyard. THIS IS. . . STINKY CHEESE MAN!

Renji: STINKY CHEESE MAN NNNOOO!!

Kyoraku: THIS IS SHINIGAMI LIVE!! AND HERE ARE YOUR HOSTS ICHIGO KUROSAKI, RENJI ABARAI, AND RANGIKU MASUMOTO!

The camera zoom in on the makeshift stage made from empty cardboard boxes. Renji and Ichigo are sitting next to an old sweaty guy with dreadlocks and holding a kielbasa.

Renji: HEYA! And welcome to the badass Shinigami Live where today we search for the world's greatest chilidog.

Ichigo: today we are speaking with, Xaldin, of the iniquitous Organization whatever!

Xaldin: That's XIII!

Renji: Whatever, so Xaldin thinks he can make the world's greatest chilidog. So to prove that he will through a challenge known as " Who's that Stinky Dude!"

Xaldin: Okay?

Ichigo: Now the first challenge is to defeat a giant baby head but here's the catch!

Renji: You can't use your lances instead you will use this!

Renji holds up a. . .

Xaldin: A MIDGET! WHAT THE. . .

Ichigo: NOT HIM! THIS. . .

Xaldin: A TURKEY LEG! AWESOME!

Renji: Ready, Steady, Go!

Xaldin charges at the giant baby head.

Xaldin: AGROMUFUGAH!!!

He flew backwards into a pit.

Xaldin: Argh!

Renji: Since when were you a pirate.

Ichigo: YOU. . . LOSE! Now let's go to our live field coorespondant Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya outside in the studio parking lot, Taichou.

Hitsugaya: Thanks, Miles Prower, Right now we are with . . . unfortunately. . . Kenpachi Zaraki- taichou again.

Kenpachi: Yeah! WOOT!

Hitsugaya: you see, strawberry, Kenpachi is going to attempt the cinnamon challenge while on salvia and. . . .

Kenpachi: play the theme song from Ouran High School Host Club on a kazoo. That Shatter-sama's favorite show!

Hitsugaya: This is the worst thing to happen to me since Byakuya-taichou founded the IPod.

Yachiru: Watch Ken-chan attempt this feat right after the commercial break!

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Ikkaku: The best time to wear a striped sweater. . .

Yumichika: Is all the time! One with a button. . .

Ikkaku: shaped like a bug or a turd leaf! That's Right!

Yumichika: Cause when your weary! That's-

Byakuya: STOP! STOP! I'VE HAD IT! [FLEEP] THIS COMMERCIAL! [FLEEP] THIS SCRIPT! AND [FLEEP] ALL OF YOU! RIGHT NOW AT PAPA BYA-CHAN'S STRIPED SWEATER EMPORIUM!

Ikaaku: For a limited time only. It's a buy 2 get a free punching bag special!

Byakuya: call now or I WILL FIND YOU. . . .

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Hitsugaya: And we're back! Kenpachi-taichou will attempt to set a world record.

Kenpachi: OKAY!!

Kenpachi took the salvia and well I am legally not allowed to the process but watch Tosh.0 on Comedy Central to understand what I mean.

Kenpachi ran inside a giant monster truck, started the ignition, and put the theme song to Cops. The truck was swerving heading towards the accursed pit of a thousand teletubbies. Instead of driving into the pit, he stops right in front and exited the vehicle.

Hitsugaya: Kenpachi, What are you doing?

Kenpachi: this. . . .

Takes out the. . . .

Hitsugaya: THE COOKIE DUDE!

Cookie Dude: HHHHHEEEELLLLLLPPPPP!!

Hitsugaya: COOKIE DUDE NO!

Kenpachi: see what i'll do to him after the break.

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Urahara is at a Good Burger drive-thru. Conviniently he's the only one there.

Isane: Hello and welcome to Good Burger home of the "good burger" may I take your order.

Urahara: Yeah, can I have 4 good burgers?

Isane: Drive to the second window, sir.

Urahara drives to the second window where Isane is holding a mallet. Before he can drive away, she hits him right in the face.

Unohana: BINGO, RIGHT IN THE BLOW HOLE!

Isane: should of had a Bleach 8.

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Hitsugaya: COOKIE DUDE NO!

Kenpachi: I'M A FIRING MA LAZAAH!!

Kenpachi throw Cookie Dude in the air. . .

Cookie Dude: WHAT THE FU--

BOOSH!!

Meanwhile back at the studio.

Rangiku: Now is the results for DOUCHEBAG OF THE YEAR!

Nanao: And the winner is. . . .

Rangiku: SHATTER-SAMA FOR SELDOMLY UPDATING!

Shatter-sama: YAY ME!

Nanao: What are you gonna do now?

Shatter-sama: I'M GOING TO POKELAND!

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Meanwhile Renji and Ichigo where playing Dance Dance Revolution while got eaten by the giant baby head.

Renji: Join us next time where I interview super mario g'bye!!

Ichigo: La es muy bueno! AGROMUFUGAH!

**REMEMBER REVIEW PEOPLE!**


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